Sunday, January 18, 2009

Holding On

I wonder what happened to the winter months when I opened my baking cupboard almost every day to create something wholesome or sweet for my loved ones to eat: homemade braided bread, oatmeal cookies, kahlua cakes, whole wheat coffee cake. I wonder what happened to the Monday mornings when I woke up with a smile and thought, This could be the week when I get my house clean. I wonder what happened to the summer afternoons when I took naps with my sons, cuddled together in the humid warmth of the sun and their little bodies. I wonder what happened to the nights when the babies woke up for the fourth time, and I sleepwalked to the living room with their tiny bodies in my arms, their little lips wrapped around my breast for mother's milk and mother's love. I wonder what happened to the years when my boys wore baby-sized clothes and I dressed them in the pumpkin Halloween sleeper, the velvet midnight blue overalls, the white sweater baptism outfits. I wonder what happened to the day when I cried tears of joy as the orderly pushed me to the going-home exit of the hospital, with a real, breathing, beautiful baby boy in my arms.

I want to go door-to-door in my neighborhood, asking each mom if she feels like she is floating, treading water, or holding on to driftwood as the current of daily life pulls her under.

Friday, January 16, 2009

More Questions I Can't Answer

Mitchie: Do people grow in Heaven?

Mommy: (picking him up, giving him a hug) I don't know, Honey. I wonder if Gabriel grows up or stays just like a baby. (long pause as I think about the other babies and search for the right words) What do you think?

Mitchell: No. Because I don't want people to make fun of me for wearing diapers in Heaven.

And he's off to play again, with a fresh diaper on his five year-old bottom.

These kind of conversations melt me and freak me out at the same time, and not because I am worried about Mitchell wearing diapers forever. That is the least of my worries.